Epsilon Mu

Week 5

Written by AI and published without review, so it may contain errors. The scores and records are computed from league data; the judgements are not facts.

The first bye week of the season, the highest score anyone has posted, and a three-game losing streak for a team that started 7-0.

The week at a glance

Median: 130.19. Beat it and you banked a second win.

2-0 on the week: austingulley, 1-800-FLOWERS, Denton Daemons, The Real Slim Brady. 1-1: HasBas (lost head-to-head, cleared the median), Shmurdarer's Row (won head-to-head, missed it). 0-2: BrendanPhillips, Tetucky Odunze, The Cold Seats, I Love Josh Allen.

Three headline numbers:

• 181.90 — austingulley's score, the highest anyone has posted this season, achieved while starting a player who had been ruled out.
• 50.54 — points BrendanPhillips left on his bench, the worst lineup decision of the year. His optimal lineup would have won both games.
• Two — NFL teams on bye, Kansas City and Carolina, which between them gutted four rosters.

Standings after five weeks

Team by team — the top half

austingulley — 181.90 (2-0)

The week. Season high by 33 points. Puka Nacua 37.7, Christian Watson 32.3, Christian McCaffrey, Josh Allen and George Pickens all over 17. He did it with Saquon Barkley starting at 0.00 after being ruled out, and with Matthew Stafford's 27.3 on the bench. His optimal lineup was a clean 200.00.

The season. 6-4, and leads the league with 733.36 points. The problem is the other column: he has scored the most and sits fourth, because four of his losses came in weeks where he beat his opponent's average but not his opponent.

Outlook. The most talented roster in the league and the best per-week scoring. If the schedule stops punishing him he is the favourite. Lineup discipline at 85.7% is the one thing holding him back.

Moves. None.

1-800-FLOWERS — 148.56 (2-0)

The week. Drake Maye went for 39.46, the best individual score of the week, and five more starters cleared 14. Harold Fannin's 1.4 at tight end was the only hole, and Jordan Love's 25.3 sat on the bench behind Maye.

The season. 7-3 and third, on the fewest points of any team in the top five. He is winning efficiently rather than loudly — 85.1% of his available points, fourth-best.

Outlook. The Drake Maye trade in May, which cost two future firsts, is now carrying a playoff team. Four straight wins. The roster is thinner than the record suggests, but the record is the record.

Moves. None.

Denton Daemons — 144.06 (2-0)

The week. Mike Evans 26.3 and Davante Adams 22.1 led a balanced nine, with no starter below 4.9. He left just 7.50 on the bench, second-cleanest of the week.

The season. 7-3 and in first place, having started 0-3 and won seven straight. He converts 89.4% of his available points — the best mark in the league.

Outlook. The defending champion, playing the most consistent football in the league and making the fewest mistakes. Nothing about this looks fluky.

Moves. None.

The Real Slim Brady — 136.68 (2-0)

The week. Beat the league's hottest start and cleared the median, in the week his roster was hit hardest: Kenneth Walker III and Chuba Hubbard were both on bye, Travis Etienne on IR and DeVonta Smith out — roughly 67 points per game of established production unavailable, the most in the league. Jacoby Brissett 26.3 and Brock Bowers 23.0 covered it. He left 3.40 on the bench, the cleanest lineup of the week.

The season. 6-4, fifth, and second in the league in lineup efficiency at 88.8%.

Outlook. Walker and Hubbard return and this is a top-five scoring team. The constraint is depth: his ceiling is sixth in the league, he has 25 FAAB left, and he holds no 2026 rookie picks.

Moves. Busy week — see the wire below.

HasBas — 134.44 (1-1)

The week. Lost by 9.62 to Denton Daemons but cleared the median, his best result in a month. Parker Washington went for 30.4 and Trevor Lawrence 22.7. Tyler Warren (21.4) and C.J. Stroud (20.9) watched from the bench — the 17.60 he left behind was more than the margin of defeat.

The season. 3-7 despite a roster that produced the second-most points in the league last year. He converts 77.0% of his available points, the worst mark in the league, and has left 173.86 on the bench in five weeks.

Outlook. This is the most fixable 3-7 in the league. Jonathan Taylor, Lawrence, Stroud, Justin Jefferson and Tyler Warren are all producing; the lineup card is the problem, not the talent.

Moves. None — and he has never made a trade in two seasons.

Team by team — the bottom half

Shmurdarer's Row — 125.94 (1-1)

The week. Beat I Love Josh Allen comfortably but came in 4.25 under the median, so it was a split. Malik Nabers 29.1 and Jared Goff 28.9 carried it; CeeDee Lamb managed 2.9 and Carnell Tate 1.6. Joe Burrow's 24.6 and Kyle Pitts' 15.2 sat on the bench, part of 33.20 left behind.

The season. 4-6 with the league's third-highest ceiling and second-worst waste — 168.68 points unplayed in five weeks, at 79.4% efficiency.

Outlook. He owns enough to be 6-4. Lamb, St. Brown, Goff and Burrow are a playoff spine. Every week he leaves a starter's worth of points in reserve, and that is now the whole gap between him and the top six.

Moves. Claimed Travis Hunter on waivers, dropping Emari Demercado. Lost a claim on MarShawn Lloyd to The Real Slim Brady.

BrendanPhillips — 123.22 (0-2)

The week. The rough one. Jahmyr Gibbs went for 37.7 and Jaxon Smith-Njigba 22.8 — and it did not matter, because Bo Nix started for 7.92 while Jayden Daniels scored 32.26 on the bench. Blake Corum added another 16.2 in reserve. He left 50.54 points unplayed; his optimal lineup of 173.76 beats 1-800-FLOWERS and clears the median by 43.

The season. 5-5. Gibbs (153.7) and Smith-Njigba (139.5) are the two highest-scoring players on any roster in the league. He has left 133.92 on the bench.

Outlook. On talent this is a top-four team and the standings know it — 671.48 points is sixth. Two or three cleaner Sundays and he is in the hunt. He has also never made a trade.

Moves. None.

Tetucky Odunze — 120.50 (0-2)

The week. Ran into the buzzsaw and lost by 61. Isaiah Likely 32.4 and Bucky Irving 31.5 were excellent; the other seven starters combined for 56.6. Patrick Mahomes, Bryce Young and Tetairoa McMillan were all on bye — Kansas City and Carolina took out his quarterback room and his WR1 in the same week.

The season. 4-6 while absorbing 738.42 points against, the most in the league on the second-fewest scored. In week 4 he posted the week's high score; in week 3 he posted the week's low.

Outlook. The unluckiest team in the league by some distance. The underlying roster is a 6-4 roster. He is two normal weeks from being back in it.

Moves. None.

The Cold Seats — 117.74 (0-2)

The week. A third straight loss. Jaylen Warren 36.8 and Derrick Henry 21.0 did their jobs; nobody else cleared 19. He was without Lamar Jackson and Stefon Diggs (out) and Travis Kelce and Rashee Rice (bye) — about 65 points per game of production missing, second only to The Real Slim Brady.

The season. 7-3 and second, but on 526.64 points against — 71 fewer than any other team has faced. He opened 7-0 and has now lost three in a row.

Outlook. Both things are true: the schedule has been extraordinarily kind, and the last three weeks have been genuinely brutal on availability. The 838.44 ceiling is second in the league. Get healthy and he is fine.

Moves. Traded Chris Olave to The Real Slim Brady for Rashee Rice and Kyler Murray on 6 October. Dropped Demario Douglas.

I Love Josh Allen — 101.98 (0-2)

The week. Eighth straight loss. Malik Willis 20.9 and Matthew Golden 20.3 led a lineup where four starters failed to reach 4 points. In fairness he played it almost perfectly — 1.60 points left on the bench, second-cleanest in the league.

The season. 1-9 on 479.16 points, 102 behind ninth place. His ceiling of 565.84 is the lowest in the league by 189 points.

Outlook. This is a deliberate teardown, not a collapse. Eight trades last offseason sent out Drake Maye, Kyren Williams, Nico Collins, Joe Burrow and Josh Allen, and brought back four extra 2027 first-round picks plus 2028 firsts and a pile of seconds. He is 1-9 on purpose and he will be picking first in two drafts' time. Judge this one in 2028.

Moves. None.

The transaction wire

Seven managers did nothing at all. Three were busy.

The week's one contested claim went to The Real Slim Brady, who beat Shmurdarer's Row to MarShawn Lloyd and then started him for 16.70 — with both his top running backs on bye, it was the difference in a two-win week.

That activity has a cost. Slim Brady has now spent 75 of his 100 FAAB, more than double anyone else in the league; four managers have not spent a dollar. Shmurdarer's Row is next at 35.

Nothing has moved yet in week 6.

Looking ahead

Six teams make the playoffs, which start in week 15. After five weeks the league has sorted itself into three groups.

In control (7-3, 7-3, 7-3). Denton Daemons, The Cold Seats and 1-800-FLOWERS. Only one of the three is scoring like a contender; the Daemons are the one nobody should expect to fall back.

In the fight (6-4, 6-4, 5-5). austingulley, The Real Slim Brady and BrendanPhillips. All three are scoring at or above the pace of the teams above them. austingulley leads the league in points and sits fourth; BrendanPhillips would be in the top four if he stopped benching his best quarterback.

Needing something to change (4-6, 4-6, 3-7, 1-9). Shmurdarer's Row and HasBas both have top-half rosters and bottom-half lineup discipline — between them they have left 342 points unplayed in five weeks, which is more than two full weeks of scoring. Tetucky Odunze needs nothing but a kinder schedule. I Love Josh Allen needs 2027.

The deadline

Trades close in week 11, about four weeks out. The shape of the market:

• Buyers: Denton Daemons, austingulley, 1-800-FLOWERS, The Real Slim Brady — though Slim Brady has 25 FAAB and no 2026 picks left to work with.
• Sellers: I Love Josh Allen, already deep into a rebuild and holding four extra 2027 firsts. HasBas, if he ever answers the phone.
• Undecided: Shmurdarer's Row and Tetucky Odunze, both two good weeks from buying and two bad ones from selling.

Two managers, HasBas and BrendanPhillips, have never made a trade in two seasons of this league. Both are sitting on rosters better than their records. Someone should call them.

Published 2026-10-13. The figures here are as they stood that day; the live pages recompute independently. All recaps